Your Monday Morning Mock Playlist #7

Good morning, Fauxyalists! Your Fauxst has been away for awhile, but now he's (I'm) back. Where did he (I) go, you're (you're) asking? Well! Let me tell you about a little place called Blind Knife. It's exact coordinates I do not know, but I can tell you it is a city somewhere east of Plum Island and south of Greenland. I don't know if it's underwater, perhaps it is. I breathed easily enough, however. Anyway, it is a city famous for its salt (of which I am bloated on) and its silk (of which I bought many green and gold scarves), and, perhaps most of all, its pork sausages (of which I am also bloated on). I followed a girl there. It's a simple story, really, involving kidnapping on the cattle seas by that most dubious of picaroons, Cap'n Ten Mouths, and his beetle-legged pirates; an unexpected death and an expected one; an evil archaeopteryx who flew in darkness, his poisonous prehistoric excrement raining upon the city; a daring (and unsuccessful) rescue by pear tree; a parting sausage filled with sliced pig kidneys and heart; et cetera.

Anyway, here is your first Mock Playlist in six months. Enjoy!

1. Arcade Fire - "Ready to Start" - The Suburbs

2. The Brian Jonestown Massacre - "She Made Me" - Methodrone

3. Radiohead - "Scatterbrain (As Dead As Leaves)" - Hail to the Thief

4. The Streets - "Who Got the Funk" - Original Pirate Material

5. Pavement - "Gangsters & Pranksters" - Wowee Zowee

6. Modest Mouse - "Four Fingered Fisherman" - Sad Sappy Sucker

7. Sun City America - "Voice of America #1" - Horse Cock Phepner

8. James Blake - "I Mind" - James Blake

9. The National - "Mr. November" - Alligator

10. The Notes & Scratches - "The Finest Words" - To The Other Side

11. Avey Tare - "Cemeteries" - Down There

12. Nick Cave & the Bad Seeds - "Lament" - The Good Son

13. Animal Collective - "But You'll Fly" - Spirit They've Gone, Spirit They've Vanished

14. Weezer - "Tired of Sex" - Pinkerton

15. Surfer Blood - "Catholic Pagans" - Astro Coast

16. Kurt Vile - "Hunchback" - Childish Prodigy

17. Bill Callahan - "All Thoughts Are Prey to Some" - Sometimes I Wish We Were An Eagle

18. Brother Truck - "Around the World" - The Knave

19. Paul Simon - "Let Me Live in Your City (Work-in-Progress)" There Goes Rhymin' Simon (Bonus Tracks)

20. Muslimgauze - "Last Mosque of Herzegovina" - Sufiq

This Mock Playlist is brought to you by White Gourd Drink. It's a product of Malaysia; it'll give you synesthesia.

10 Hilariously Bad Songs (to me)

For your Friday, I present to you, 10 Hilariously Bad Songs (to me):

Rush's "The Spirit of Radio"
Geddy Lee has one of the voices that, when goes high, just makes me laugh. This could list could be filled with Rush songs, but this one has an hilarious opening guitar riff, a reggae-ish breakdown, and the lyrics, right before the guitar solo, are a silly homage to "The Sounds of Silence": "For the words of the prophets are written on the studio wall - concert hall - and echoes with the sound of salesmen. Of salesmen!"

Rod Stewart's "Do Ya Think I'm Sexy?"
What else need be said about this song? Rod Stewart sings it. It's called "Do Ya Think I'm Sexy?" It was the late 70s when, apparently, anything went.

MC Hammer's "Pray"
Full disclosure: as a 10 year old, I loved MC Hammer. I thought he was top of the pops. I once remarked to my younger sister, "Whenever I feel down and out, I listen to 'Pray' and feel better."

Meat Loaf's "I Would Do Anything for Love (But I Won't Do That)"
Hilarious opening piano line a la Bruce Springsteen at his most dramatic! Squealing guitars! Powerhouse drums! And then, and then, Meat Loaf's ridiculous vibrato. This really is a bad Boss song. Oh, Meat Loaf, you may not do "that" for love, but what won't you do for money (see: Celebrity Apprentice)? Also, why is this song so incredibly long?

The Bee Gees' "Stayin' Alive"
Like Geddy Lee from Rush, Barry Gibb's falsetto is a thing of sheer awesome comedy. And the swagger of the rhythm section in this song is really great too. My listening experience of this song is forever linked to John Travolta shaking his ass. (Sidenote: Saturday Night Fever is a really, really good movie, despite this song.)

Huey Lewis & The News's "A Couple Days Off"
There is nothing not funny about this song. It's like Dire Straits meets Buster Poindexter. When Huey sings, "Yeah eeeee yeah!" I bleed laughter.

Cheap Trick's "I Want You (To Want Me)"
Most people are familiar with the live version of this song, as it's the only one radio stations play, but the studio recording of this song is the one that's particularly hilariously bad. The singer, for whatever reason, decided it was best to sing like a dead fish on a beach until the chorus, where his faux-scruff makes him sound more like a petulant child than a singer with grit. Then there's the end of the song, the fade out, which is pretty funny too.

REO Speedwagon's "Keep On Lovin' You"
My high school band played a "Star Search" contest in a downtown Bloomington hotel. It was our high point: we werer sixteen and pretty naive, but even then I knew it was a joke, a scam, ridiculous. One of the other bands playing there was AKA and the drummer was the drummer (one of myriad, I suppose) from REO Speedwagon. I haven't respected REO since. Oh...this song. It's stupid.

Boston's "Cool The Engines"
Ahem, full disclosure, again: I loved Boston. Loved Boston. I still like their first record. But, let's face it, Third Stage makes a mockery of what was once a great band. And "Cool The Engines" is the centerpiece. Why wasn't this song in Top Gun? Screw Kenny Loggins. (Also: why is that Bradley Delp can sing super-duper high and it doesn't make me laugh, but I split my sides every time Geddy Lee does?)

Barry Manilow's "Avenue C"
Why would you do this to Count Basie, Barry? Why???

Books Is Cool

I haven't had time to review all of the books I've read recently. For now, here is a quick rundown what I have read over the last couple of months and some I'm looking forward to reading soon. I hope to get reviews in for most of them, but preparations for and the act of, recording has been taking up a lot of my free time - that's a good thing, even if it cuts into writing for this blog.

So, without further adieu, here is a short list of books to consider (or not, depending on your opinion of me or this blog):

Books I've Read Recently:

Mechanique by Genevieve Valentine
Really loved this book. It follows a steampunkish circus (albeit without the "steam"; would "circuspunk" or "clockworkpunk" be more apt?) in a war-torn world. A private war is also waged over a set of glorious wings. Valentine writes with skillful grace.

The Door to Lost Pages by Claude Lalumiere
This set of interlinked stories runs the gambit of style - between pulp-ish to literary. The danger here is that some of the stories, somewhat sloppily executed, don't add to the larger context.

The Quantum Thief by Hannu Rajaniemi
There are some really fun, inventive and wholly original ideas at work this is over-the-top SF novel, but, unfortunately, I didn't connect with any of its characters. A shame, because I was genuinely excited for Rajaniemi's book.

Embassytown by China Mieville
A book about language, you say? Sound cliche, well-worn, SF trope? Mieville is at the top of his game here. It's one of the best books I've read all year with one of the most original alien species I've encountered in SF - that, friends, is only the tip of the iceberg of awesomeness going on in this novel. If you can get past its, at times, "exposition-y" sections, you're going to love it.

The Bloody Chamber & Other Stories by Angela Carter
Carter is famous for exposing what she has said is the "latent content" of folk- and fairytales. Within these pages, you'll find stories based on "Beauty & the Beast," "Bluebeard," "Little Red Riding Hood," and more. Dark and twisted stuff here.

We Who Are About To... by Joanna Russ
I found this short novel to be of disturbing quality. A group of people traveling in space are suddenly thrown off course. They find a planet. They decide to live on it. Except the narrator: she decides to die on it. Russ's insights as the predicament unfolds are enlightening and terrifying. One of my favorites of the year (though it was originally published in 1977).

The Jewel-Hinged Jaw by Samuel R. Delany
This book of essays and criticisms on the "language of SF" are "jaw"-droppingly awesome. In particular, I've loved the essay "Faust and Archimedes" wherein Delany expounds upon the differences and similarities in Thomas M. Disch's and Roger Zelanzy's writings, likening their works to the title figures of the essay. Everything here is fantastic, however, and worth reading if you like SF or literature at all.


Books I'm Looking Forward to Reading


Deathbird Stories by Harlan Ellison
For being a Grandmaster of SF, Ellison's works sure are hard to find and I'm not a big fan of ordering online (yet). I like going to used bookshops and perusing the shelves, finding bent-up, worn-and-torn treasures. I found this book at a store in Kearney, NE, of all places. (Actually, I found 17 SF books there, most of which are out of print or not available at the local Borders, and bought them all.)

The Golden Age by Michal Ajvaz
I've had this book since Christmas and have been waiting for the right time to read it. Now seems the right time. It concerns a trip to an unnamed island where the islanders make no distinction between "reality and representation." I can't wait!

The Book of the New Sun: Volume 1 & 2 by Gene Wolfe
I have only heard how wondrous these books are, but I have refused any information offered of their subject matter. I love Gene Wolfe's short stories and, as is aforementioned, am assured of the awesomeness contained within these books.

Up Against It by M.J. Locke
I'm hoping this novel is somehow a counterpoint to Leviathan Wakes by James S.A. Corey (another of my favorites this year, reviewed here in May, and released this month), in that both books are concern asteroid colonies. Other than that I don't know much about the book (though I own it), but I loved Locke's novella in global warming anthology Welcome to The Greenhouse.

A Dance With Dragons by George R.R. Martin
Of course. Yes. If you haven't read these books or watched the HBO series, get thee to a bookstore/Amazon or a subscription to premium cable because you must. All must. It is the only way, now.

Looking forward to reading books is, of course, an endless list. I could go on, mentioning these: The Magicians, Love in the Time of Cholera, Illuminations, The Savage Detectives, Your Face Tomorrow... and on and on and on, but I won't. What've you been reading? What are you looking forward to?

Recording in Detroit

This past weekend Tin Tin Can were in the Motor City to record demos of the song that'll make up our upcoming full length. We recorded 11 songs at Magnetic Studios. I could tell you it was a seedy area of town, but it's Detroit, so... When we got there, the owner of Magnetic, Mark, was laying down tar (I think) on the potholed side alley. Beneath the alley is the echo chamber he's been working and where Chris's guitar will most likely be recorded when we return in two weeks.

Altogether we'll have 13-14 songs (we recorded a few previously) to choose from after the Father's Day Recording Sessions. After these sessions we're hoping to have to do some only some vocal work and overdubs on a few things and then it's just mixing and mastering to finish it. I'm going to give any specifics on release dates because we've done that in the past and, obviously, time has proven us wrong. But we're very excited about these songs (some of which no one has heard as yet) and we're doing our best to get it in your hands.

Magnetic Studios was, once a upon a time, a venue for live music. There is a balcony-of-sorts with vintage sofas for lounging in. There are cool little tables and booths on the ground level. There are two cats - one black, one black and white - who love to have their backs scratched.

Here are some more photos of the band during the sessions.

Review: Last Dragon by J.M. McDermott

Last Dragon, the debut novel from J.M. McDermott, is a visceral, magical, and at times indefinable, experience.

At first glance, the “plot” (in quotes because the story is only marginally concerned with it) is simple enough: Zhan, a warrior-in-training from the north land of Alameda, discovers that her grandfather has savagely murdered her entire family, excluding her Uncle Seth, a shaman; Zhan journeys south with Seth to bring her grandfather to justice. However, Last Dragon’s nonlinear structure—relying on the beauty of a mosaic, a constant folding in on itself—and Zhan’s unreliable narrating create tension making an otherwise formulaic fantasy story sizzle.

The story is recounted through a series of vignettes written by an imprisoned Zhan, as morbid love letters to Esumi, her former lover. How and why Zhan is imprisoned is important and the revelation unexpected; however, what’s strange about it is the incident that led to her imprisonment takes place outside the events contained in Last Dragon. Regardless, the animosity toward and—contradictory—pleading for Esumi to respond to her letters adds complexity to Zhan’s character early on: “Esumi, you have promised me forever, too. Where are you now? You choose an empire over your own heart. This pain I endure every day, where you are missing, is more painful than any cough.” And later: “Should I tell you anything? You who does not write to me. You do not speak to me. You whom I love. You, my love.”

There are several beginnings to Last Dragon, but McDermott has chosen to begin with Zhan in the southern city of Proliux, already having been separated from Seth. Zhan lives on the streets, searching in vain for her grandfather. Here, she meets Adel—a well-connected woman with a dubious past, who was once a paladin of the last dragons. Sympathetic to the young Zhan’s cause, Adel agrees to help her find her uncle and grandfather.

The story then folds back on itself, beginning again with Zhan and Seth as they travel south through the forests and hard lands of Alameda. Eventually, they find passage on a ship heading south to Proliux. Because Zhan was training to become one of the warrior-women of her people, she must rely on Seth’s recollections of how her grandfather had murdered her village. But Seth is a moody shaman and mostly silent on the matter, instead keeping to himself. Indeed, as they reach their destination, Seth intentionally loses Zhan in the crowded docks. With Adel’s help, however, Zhan eventually finds Seth living with Staf Sru Korinyes the gypsy.

It is rumored that Zhan’s grandfather may live under the protection of a Proconsul, one of the city’s leaders. Adel, having once been married to such a Proconsul, is able to get Zhan and Seth an appointment, to see that justice is done. Korinyes, a suspicious woman by nature, believes Adel may have other motives in play here. Regardless, Zhan seems to trust the paladin implicitly. However, Korinyes’s suspicions are not far off.

The Proconsuls have hired mercenaries to invade northern Alameda and conquer it for Proliux. Knowing this, Zhan and her small troupe journey north, managing to stay one step ahead of the encroaching armies, hoping to make contact with Prince Tsuin, the one who might be able to stave off invasion. If there is a flaw in this tale, it’s here: the motivations behind conquering a cold, hard land are never satisfactorily explained, except that conquering lands is what empires do.

Along the way, in the frozen north, Adel relates to Zhan the last moments of the last dragon: “His wings were cobwebbed with war wounds, and I don’t think he could fly anymore.” She also tells Zhan that “dragons live a long time because when they eat a person they acquire the life of the person. They never eat evil, or feebleminded things.” This conversation between Adel and Zhan is crucial to the story because it also asks the question: who is the dragon and who is the ant? Who eats whom?

Last Dragon moves around and beyond and around Zhan’s encounter with her grandfather. This, like the conversation about dragons, is a heavy experience, and one that shapes Zhan thereafter. Yet, the telling of it is difficult. As she explains, “My fingers are like spiders drifting over memories in my webbed brain. The husks of the dead gaze up at me, and my teeth sink in and I speak their ghosts. But it’s all mixed up in my head.” As two or three plot threads knot together, a new thread (or two) unravels. This process of knotting and unraveling is continuous throughout Last Dragon, so much so that even the end of the story is also a beginning.

In other words, Last Dragon requires a healthy amount of focus from the reader. This is not something that should deter; rather, a concentrated reading rewards the reader with deeper insights into Zhan’s motivations as her world changes around her. Make no mistake: McDermott’s gorgeously poetic prose is most certainly compelling, though some might deem this a “difficult” novel. The only thing difficult about it is that every sentence, every word, carries weight. Though it may, in some instances, rely on fantasy tropes (read: dragons and magic and smelly cities and epic quests), this cannot be stressed enough: Last Dragon is foremost a reading experience and, if engaged with appropriately, an entertaining one too. Recommended.

5 Terrible Movies & What Makes Them Terrible (to me)

1. The Fountain, directed by Darren Aronofsky
This film is a giant tragic spitwad. Not only does it have some of the worst acting by an already bad actor, Hugh Jackman, but it is so poorly edited and its script so hilariously shallow, the concepts it tries to portray (love and mortality, I suppose) are utterly confused. Well. Maybe that's the point. And maybe with a better cast and a stronger script, the interwoven storylines might've worked. Apparently, the script went through several drafts over several years; perhaps Aronofsky should've worked on it a little more, or perhaps, not quite as much. There are some really pretty scenes though.

2. X-Men III: The Last Stand, directed by Brett Ratner
After Xavier dies there is a scene of his wheelchair in his office or whatever with some sad music playing. I laughed so hard in the theater at this ridiculous moment that, not only did the two friends I was with begin laughing, several rows of people in front of and behind us snickered and giggled as well. That's how bad this movie is.

3. Atonement, directed by Joe Wright
Atonement has an amazing five-minute tracking shot two-thirds of the way into the film. It's a beautiful, moving moment of soldiers on the beach at Dunkirk. Unfortunately, it's really the only thing that's worth watching in this film. Otherwise, I found the film messy and stilted; in particular, the plot and its "twist" at the end were so ridiculous that any sort of meaning or resolution was lost to me.

4. 300, directed by Frank Miller
I haven't counted how many times Gerard Butler screams "Sparta!," but I'm pretty sure it's around 90, which is almost once per minute. The film is historically inaccurate in a lot of ways, not that that always makes a film suck, but add to it the stupid dialogue, the over-the-top special effects and the portrayal of the Persians, and what you have is a trite action-packed film that is unaware of its own ignorance.

5. Garden State, directed by Zach Braff
This film supposedly has all the quirk and charm of an "indie" movie and the sappiness of your typical Hollywood rom-com, which is apparently why it has had such mass appeal. I don't think the film has much of either of these characteristics and, the parts it does emphasize, I found to be grossly amateurish. Granted, it's Braff's first script and he may, if he continues to write and direct, make something less pretentious and less like "a kid who's watched too many indie movies," but until then, this is what we have. And it isn't original or compelling.

Do you agree or disagree with any of these? Why? What movies have you seen that are terrible and why?

10 Songs I Personally Despise

There are some songs which I loathe. I mean loathe; say it long and slow, say it with eyes rolled, say it with your head tilted back slightly, as if the mere thought of these songs leaves you lightheaded with contempt. It doesn't matter their position in the canon - some are iconoclastic, while others are widely regarded as la musique terrible. Of course, everyone has their opinion (and that's all this is) and you may find yourself disagreeing loudly with me (especially for the number one loathsome song on this list). You may call me a fool, my rationale unjustified. Perhaps your faith in my musical ability (should you find yourself with such faith in the first place, which is, in itself, a bit strange, don't you think?) will have been shook. But, in the end, these ten songs...just...suck.

So, without further adieu, ten songs that I hate the most:

10. America's "A Horse with No Name" - "The heat was hot," is an actual lyric in this song. The song is quintessential late 60s/early 70s crappy popular music, even including Crosby, Stills, Nash & Young harmonies.

9. The Eagles' "Take It to the Limit" - So incomprehensibly bad. It's like adult contemporary went adult contemporary on itself. It's the strings that really make me cringe. A real shame that Paul Simon's album, Still Crazy After All These Years, has hints of this exasperating foulness. It's just embarrassing.

8. Chicago's "You're the Inspiration" - Why? No, seriously, why? Every time I hear those terrible 80s drums kick in, a little piece of my soul hangs itself. Then, what's next? Ahh yes: echoed voices. The key change climax. Utter cheese.

7. Joel Walsh's "Life's Been Good" - I'll admit, that guitar riff is almost kind of cool. Almost. Even the acoustic breakdown, though it's a little reminiscent of anything Led Zeppelin. But then Joel Walsh starts singing about all the perks of being a rock star. Well, okay. I guess I just don't care.

6. The Eagles' "Peaceful Easy Feeling" - Really, it's the melody of this song that I can't stand. It sounds like a lullaby, which is probably the point, which is why I despise it.

5. Nickelback's "Rock Star" - Everything about Nickelback is bad. I could've chosen any song off any of their records; instead, I chose the most ridiculous song I could find. Who is that low-voiced idiot that speaks between Chad Kroeger's "sweet" melodic lines? "Tell me what you need," he says. Please, sir, stop.

4. Staind's "It's Been Awhile" - The acoustic version of this song was popular when I was in high school, and my friends and I couldn't help but parody it as much as possible. I mean, can that guy even play the guitar? Also, his voice is terrible.

3. Phil Collins's "I Can't Dance" - How could the man responsible for "In the Air Tonight" have made this rubbish? The guitar riff is lame, the lyrics are dumb. The song has faux-soul, it has no soul. Whenever I hear this song on the radio - which is, thankfully, quite rare - I turn the volume way up and just fume. (Do you thikn the video is intentionally hilariously stupid because even Phil Collins knows what a travesty he's created?)

2. Avril Lavigne's "Complicated" - Does anyone like Avril Lavigne anymore? I think we all see through the "dangerous enough for mainstream" punk, right? But this song...I mean...It's complicated. Wait - no, it isn't. I'm actually listening to this song as I type and I'm grinding my teeth so much I can barely write. Something about her voice, especially during the chorus, kills me.

1. The Eagles' "Desperado" - I hate this song. Always have. It is the worst song I have ever heard. From the opening piano chords to the first line of the song to the last. Ultimately, it is simply lame and, unsuprisingly for The Eagles, full of cheese. One of my music professors in college performed this song on his acoustic guitar for a few of us after choir practice and it was everything I could do not to smash his guitar and run screaming from the room. Okay, maybe that's a little dramatic. But still. I hate this song.

Honorable Mentions:

Hootie & the Blowfish - "I Only Wanna Be With You"
James Taylor - "Fire and Rain"
The Eagles - "Take It Easy"


Now, you're asking yourself: aren't there hundreds of worse songs than these? What about anything Bieber? Haven't I heard Rebecca Black's "Friday?" Yes, yes, I will tell you. There is much cringe-worthy music being produced today, much of them huge hits; however, the above despised ten songs are songs I've lived with for years and, in some cases, years. Obviously, I hate The Eagles. Something about the music and their voices, the melodies and lyrics, really pisses me off. Oh, it feels so good to get that off my chest.

These songs are so bad they aren't funny, but in a few days, I will have ten of the most hilariously bad songs for your reading pleasure.

So...what songs do you just loathe?