Wednesday, June 1, 2011

10 Songs I Personally Despise

There are some songs which I loathe. I mean loathe; say it long and slow, say it with eyes rolled, say it with your head tilted back slightly, as if the mere thought of these songs leaves you lightheaded with contempt. It doesn't matter their position in the canon - some are iconoclastic, while others are widely regarded as la musique terrible. Of course, everyone has their opinion (and that's all this is) and you may find yourself disagreeing loudly with me (especially for the number one loathsome song on this list). You may call me a fool, my rationale unjustified. Perhaps your faith in my musical ability (should you find yourself with such faith in the first place, which is, in itself, a bit strange, don't you think?) will have been shook. But, in the end, these ten songs...just...suck.

So, without further adieu, ten songs that I hate the most:

10. America's "A Horse with No Name" - "The heat was hot," is an actual lyric in this song. The song is quintessential late 60s/early 70s crappy popular music, even including Crosby, Stills, Nash & Young harmonies.

9. The Eagles' "Take It to the Limit" - So incomprehensibly bad. It's like adult contemporary went adult contemporary on itself. It's the strings that really make me cringe. A real shame that Paul Simon's album, Still Crazy After All These Years, has hints of this exasperating foulness. It's just embarrassing.

8. Chicago's "You're the Inspiration" - Why? No, seriously, why? Every time I hear those terrible 80s drums kick in, a little piece of my soul hangs itself. Then, what's next? Ahh yes: echoed voices. The key change climax. Utter cheese.

7. Joel Walsh's "Life's Been Good" - I'll admit, that guitar riff is almost kind of cool. Almost. Even the acoustic breakdown, though it's a little reminiscent of anything Led Zeppelin. But then Joel Walsh starts singing about all the perks of being a rock star. Well, okay. I guess I just don't care.

6. The Eagles' "Peaceful Easy Feeling" - Really, it's the melody of this song that I can't stand. It sounds like a lullaby, which is probably the point, which is why I despise it.

5. Nickelback's "Rock Star" - Everything about Nickelback is bad. I could've chosen any song off any of their records; instead, I chose the most ridiculous song I could find. Who is that low-voiced idiot that speaks between Chad Kroeger's "sweet" melodic lines? "Tell me what you need," he says. Please, sir, stop.

4. Staind's "It's Been Awhile" - The acoustic version of this song was popular when I was in high school, and my friends and I couldn't help but parody it as much as possible. I mean, can that guy even play the guitar? Also, his voice is terrible.

3. Phil Collins's "I Can't Dance" - How could the man responsible for "In the Air Tonight" have made this rubbish? The guitar riff is lame, the lyrics are dumb. The song has faux-soul, it has no soul. Whenever I hear this song on the radio - which is, thankfully, quite rare - I turn the volume way up and just fume. (Do you thikn the video is intentionally hilariously stupid because even Phil Collins knows what a travesty he's created?)

2. Avril Lavigne's "Complicated" - Does anyone like Avril Lavigne anymore? I think we all see through the "dangerous enough for mainstream" punk, right? But this song...I mean...It's complicated. Wait - no, it isn't. I'm actually listening to this song as I type and I'm grinding my teeth so much I can barely write. Something about her voice, especially during the chorus, kills me.

1. The Eagles' "Desperado" - I hate this song. Always have. It is the worst song I have ever heard. From the opening piano chords to the first line of the song to the last. Ultimately, it is simply lame and, unsuprisingly for The Eagles, full of cheese. One of my music professors in college performed this song on his acoustic guitar for a few of us after choir practice and it was everything I could do not to smash his guitar and run screaming from the room. Okay, maybe that's a little dramatic. But still. I hate this song.

Honorable Mentions:

Hootie & the Blowfish - "I Only Wanna Be With You"
James Taylor - "Fire and Rain"
The Eagles - "Take It Easy"

Now, you're asking yourself: aren't there hundreds of worse songs than these? What about anything Bieber? Haven't I heard Rebecca Black's "Friday?" Yes, yes, I will tell you. There is much cringe-worthy music being produced today, much of them huge hits; however, the above despised ten songs are songs I've lived with for years and, in some cases, years. Obviously, I hate The Eagles. Something about the music and their voices, the melodies and lyrics, really pisses me off. Oh, it feels so good to get that off my chest.

These songs are so bad they aren't funny, but in a few days, I will have ten of the most hilariously bad songs for your reading pleasure.

So...what songs do you just loathe?


  1. Anything by Huey Lewis. ANYTHING. I've been known to get kicked out of a Musicland (remember those?) for tossing one of his cassettes across the store when it was handed to me by a cruel friend. And yes, I said cassette too...yeah, I'm old.

    Oh, and let's not forget Hall & Oates "Method of love" or should I say M-E-T-H-O-D-O-F-L-O-V-E...just in case I couldn't spell any of those 2nd grade words. Almost as bad as Gwen Stefani teaching me how to spell bananas.

  2. One thing, "I Can't Dance" is Genesis. It was a group effort! I have to agree it almost surely sucks, but I have a certain nostalgic impulse that makes me listen to it once every 3-7 years.

    ... Also, I get it. No serious person really thinks Bieber is good... Not really, I don't think. And that's why it's hard to loathe it. I mean, how can you care enough to loathe. The thing about The Eagles is, a lot of people whose opinions you respect like or even love them. That's why listening to Bob Seger is like suffering the bloody flux for me.

  3. I find throwing a cassette tape of And The News across a room totally warranted, Bonnie.

    @John: Yes, the Seger is bad. Very bad.